it's just not working...

I thought I could do it

I thought I could keep two blogs going

but

since I never really found what I was looking for in this blog

my heart just isn't in it

~~

so today

I say good bye to

my

unmade life

in hopes of finding a very "made" life somewhere else

and

maybe

just maybe

it's where I've been all along

*

thank you

for being along with me on this relatively short ride

~~

everyone of you made it so worth it for me

to at least try

*

hold on...

no matter how hard we try

there will always be bumps in the road

to slow us down

to frustrate us

to question where we're going in the first place

and

sometimes

to make us stop completely and turn around

*

I went anyway...

I saw the no trespassing sign

but I couldn't resist the pull that wished me closer

to what I believe

was once a tiny cottage in a fairy tale

~

when I turned to walk away

the soft flutter of a wing graced my cheek

making me believe even more

*

when you're a boy...

it's good to take a jumping break

after playing in the fields

and

eating donut balls

and

drinking red kool-aid until your lips are permanently stained

and

finding a catepilliar larger than a vienna sausage

all

on a summer day

living softly...but with a voice

"if I had a whole day to do whatever I wanted to do"

~~

wait

"a day to do whatever I wanted"

describes almost every day I've had this summer

so I'm not complaining

but

unfortunately I wasted a few of them doing laundry that could have waited

making phone calls that weren't important

and

watching movies I've already seen

when

I should have been out living a bit more

~~

summer runs away so quickly and I spend hours looking over my shoulder

wondering where it went

when the days start to get shorter

so

for the rest of this summer

I'm going to be living

a bit more openly

a bit louder

and

maybe

even

a bit more wild

~~

because

I'm feeling awake and alive and curious

and

I don't want to miss a thing

*

yes, I know...

just like me

you want one of these

too

~~

a little home where the floor boards squeak

under your feet

when you're up in the middle of the night

for a glass of water

~~

a little home where even when the windows are pinched tightly closed

breezes quietly flutter in

and

land on your cheeks like newly hatched butterflies

~~

a little home where the lamps turned on at dusk

reach out to you like a life preserver

and

bring you home

*

mostly weeds...

so often there is beauty surrounding us

almost blinding us

yet

we don't see it

~~

why do we point over there and say

"oh, that's so beautiful"

when

everything right next to it is just as beautiful

yet we don't see it

we don't even notice it

~~

today

and

tomorrow

at least

let's look at everything with fresh eyes

and

be blinded

by

the beauty we breathe in everyday

*

I need a can of black spray paint...

quite often

the writing on the wall is all you need

~go over us and we will get up again~

kind of powerful

don't you think

?

a month ago, already....

a month ago today I was standing on the top of pike's peak

and

visiting the olympic training center

~~

so

what happened

where did it go

?

you'd think I would have noticed

something passing in front of me as quickly as these past four weeks have

~~

I think it's time for me to start appreciating the days better than I do

which can only mean one think

~less blinking of course~

*

someday....

when I have a house near the beach

with a kitchen large enough to hold a ten foot chalkboard

where a chalky note

reads

"the chef has taken an indefinite leave of absence"

you'll find

me riding me around on this

and

the precious cargo will be towels, sunscreen and a good book

~~

want to join me

?

~~~~~

I was instantly in love with it when I saw it

on the blog

that has given me more inspiration over the past year than any other

~~

it's the story of nie

{as in stephanie}

and

her family

and

how she is surviving

after almost dying

~in a horrific plane crash with her husband~

~~

the surgeries, the skin grafts, the pain

the pain

of not being able to hold her children who didn't recognize her for a long time

the pain

of moving her body

the pain

of not wanting to look at herself in the mirror

the pain

from just breathing somedays

and

then there's the love

~~

a love

like nothing you've ever seen before

~~

so when I have a tough day

it's easy to go here and remind myself that things aren't so bad after all

*