15 July 2009

I'm back...

I guess I could have smiled
but I'm still on my
"stay out of the sun"
which requires me to have a very serious face
while I point my finger at you
today was my
"let's get all those margins clean"
in which a huge hole was made and all my ugly and bad skin cells were burned away
it wasn't fun
my scar will be about 16 inches long
I think
at least that's what it looked like to me when the nurse handed me the mirror
but after laying on my back
smelling my skin being burned and the clicking of the instruments and the pulling and the cutting of the stitches
I could have been mildly delirious and maybe it will only be the inch and a half that it really is
who knows
what I do know is that it's just a scar
sure it could be ugly
when the dressing comes off and the stitches come out
but while I was waiting for my skin to be numbed I was reading an article about a man and his bladder cancer and then when my procedure was over, I ran to the grocery store and saw a woman my age with a very wide purple scar all the way down the inside of her leg that I guessed to be from a varicose vein removal maybe used to fix her heart
then when I came home I talked to my hubby about the meeting that he had to have this morning with the widow of an olympic coach who fell to his death in a horrific climbing accident a few days ago
it's just a scar


Roban said...

Hi Beth,

I came right over to see what you had in store for me.... I enjoyed browsing through your recent posts. So sorry about the cancer and the scar (hopefully not 13, or was it 16 inches!) But still a lot to go through. I had a biopsy several years ago, and that was enough to cause some anxious moments. And I can talk on and on about the whole undies issue! My choice is Jockey... all cotton all the time! I do go with the French cut. It covers what it needs to cover yet still looks okay from the front!

Take care,

Roban said...

... and yes, our troubles often look much smaller when we look outside of ourselves at what other people are facing.

Holly said...

Yes, it is a scar. Not "just" a scar. It's a life stripe. Earned. Through experience. Through error. Through Trial. To victory of living.

It's a Life Stripe. Now a part of you. And, you...all of you is loved.

With my admiration, your friend,

Caroline said...

I agree with Holly...it's a life stripe. I like scars...isn't that weird. But they tell stories. My hair stylist back in Chicago (the most beautiful and handsome Argentian man...and not gay!!!) had this huge scar on this neck. I never asked ho he got it...but is was fascinating and added to his mysterious coolness. Oh how I miss Marcello...even his name is beautiful.

LOL...wow did I just go off on a tangent or what!!?

Claire said...

there is definitely so much to be thankful for. i have gained a new respect for people with disabilities since i have been on crutches with a broken foot. i hope that your scar heals quickly and that you are feeling much better real soon.

Cam said...

We all have them, don't we... some visible to others, some we carry deep inside our hearts, and we move & live & love & learn through them.

You are so loved, Beth.

cinner said...

Beth, It is a scar and it will just make you more beautiful than you already are. I wish I could have helt your hand today. Big Hug!

Char said...

in the grand scheme of things . . . we have you and that is the most important thing of all. i am glad the procedure went well.

Meri said...

Yay Holly! Yay Cam! Love your comments. Beth, listen to them. I can't say it better than they did.

Eileen said...

Cam took the words right out of my mouth (or away from my fingers in this blogworld). The experience in its fullness has been deeply felt by you and your family and even your friends and admirers. If I were you, in a few weeks, I'd get some body tatoo paints and create something wonderful from your badge of courage. Today was a difficult day for your husband too I know ... considering he really wanted to be there with you. but in the place he was, he was needed, too; offering understanding and support and giving someone help to be courageous too.

It's almost night ... I wish for you both a peaceful sleep and tomorrow will be bright with promise!

Anonymous said...

Aren't they ugly little things? Keeping things in perspective, thank god it's only a 1 1/2" scar and not a lost limb or something.
I color these scars as "character builders". And, they can all tell such a fun story. Poor you; poor John. Thank Mary, Joseph & Jesus for your individual health and well-being.
My love, shell xoxoxxox

Becky said...

i think it's funny how the universe always keeps life in perspective...it just means we have to be looking for it. i had the same thing after my first surgery. i was laying there, sick as a dog and feeling sorry for myself when they wheeled in a women exactly my age with the exact same surgery - except she was 7-8 months pregnant with her first child. and as i listened to her worries, her crying, to the constant updates from the ob ward...i had my flash of perspective. it's always there. i'm glad i caught it. and don't worry about scars (funny, how it doesn't help when someone just says it so casually), not only is it a badge of honor, a reminder of your mortality...it does fade. i promise - as everyone promised me - six months from now...you'll barely notice it in the mirror anymore. i promise. bb

ols1 said...

Hope you feel better soon :(

Anonymous said...

feel better soon, dear beth :)

elk said...

such power here this day...tender but strong you are...i am so glad to have stopped here today`

Kim Mailhot said...

Hey, beautiful scarred beth ! I guess we will have to learn to love those scars some how, inspite of their "ugliness". Do you know Kelly Snelling at "Soul Humming" ? She re-posted a piece today on her blog that was very powerful and so closely linked to what you wrote today. It inspired and touched me a lot, just like your piece did.
Heal well, beautiful One.

georgia b. said...

very wise outlook.
i've had to do the same with job loss. it's just money. we still have our families and our health and our home and our bed and our freedom.
glad to see you have a healthy outlook and that you did the smart thing in getting it removed and being checked out in the first place. you are really scaring me into going in to get checked. wish i had done that before monday. {sigh}.

dogfaeriex5 said...

amen sister, it is just a scar....
hugs to john, that is something i wouldnt want to go through...xo

julochka said...

i didn't realize you had this going on! (summer has me woefully absent from my usual reads). i hope it will all be ok! good to catch it early, they say. and as you say, it's just a scar.

Anonymous said...

yep, just a scar! and am glad that's all it is. whew.

Barefoot from Heaven said...

Oh dear Beth. I'm gladd to hear it's done and over with. Thank your for taking us with you... And yes it's hard to read and I swallow a lot...but it's good you do point a finger at us so we really understand.

The scar is just a scar...I've have lots from burning myself when I was 11 years old and I'm coverd with burn cars over my body but they are just cars too. It's me inside that counts. And so will the you inside of you. And that will never ever be touched with a scare like you've got now.

I wish you all the best. Heal and take your time.
With love Dagmar

Anonymous said...

I agree with Holly too..A life stripe.

Be well!

Jeanie said...

It's just a scar. Words to live by when you've been burned and scarred. But haven't fallen off the mountain. You're climbing to the top and while I know it's scary and looks larger than life and definitely sounds like not the way anyone wants to spend a day, you're doing all the right things and it will be fine. I know it will be fine.

Your warning is a good one, as this paleface plans to go to SCarolina next week with no tan (because we've had no warm weather) and I must be careful not to fry as I read my long, not-good book in the hot sun.

My personal motto: Fully expect the universe to cooperate. It usually does. (And I love the photo.)