it's just not working...

I thought I could do it

I thought I could keep two blogs going

but

since I never really found what I was looking for in this blog

my heart just isn't in it

~~

so today

I say good bye to

my

unmade life

in hopes of finding a very "made" life somewhere else

and

maybe

just maybe

it's where I've been all along

*

thank you

for being along with me on this relatively short ride

~~

everyone of you made it so worth it for me

to at least try

*

hold on...

no matter how hard we try

there will always be bumps in the road

to slow us down

to frustrate us

to question where we're going in the first place

and

sometimes

to make us stop completely and turn around

*

I went anyway...

I saw the no trespassing sign

but I couldn't resist the pull that wished me closer

to what I believe

was once a tiny cottage in a fairy tale

~

when I turned to walk away

the soft flutter of a wing graced my cheek

making me believe even more

*

when you're a boy...

it's good to take a jumping break

after playing in the fields

and

eating donut balls

and

drinking red kool-aid until your lips are permanently stained

and

finding a catepilliar larger than a vienna sausage

all

on a summer day

living softly...but with a voice

"if I had a whole day to do whatever I wanted to do"

~~

wait

"a day to do whatever I wanted"

describes almost every day I've had this summer

so I'm not complaining

but

unfortunately I wasted a few of them doing laundry that could have waited

making phone calls that weren't important

and

watching movies I've already seen

when

I should have been out living a bit more

~~

summer runs away so quickly and I spend hours looking over my shoulder

wondering where it went

when the days start to get shorter

so

for the rest of this summer

I'm going to be living

a bit more openly

a bit louder

and

maybe

even

a bit more wild

~~

because

I'm feeling awake and alive and curious

and

I don't want to miss a thing

*

yes, I know...

just like me

you want one of these

too

~~

a little home where the floor boards squeak

under your feet

when you're up in the middle of the night

for a glass of water

~~

a little home where even when the windows are pinched tightly closed

breezes quietly flutter in

and

land on your cheeks like newly hatched butterflies

~~

a little home where the lamps turned on at dusk

reach out to you like a life preserver

and

bring you home

*

mostly weeds...

so often there is beauty surrounding us

almost blinding us

yet

we don't see it

~~

why do we point over there and say

"oh, that's so beautiful"

when

everything right next to it is just as beautiful

yet we don't see it

we don't even notice it

~~

today

and

tomorrow

at least

let's look at everything with fresh eyes

and

be blinded

by

the beauty we breathe in everyday

*

I need a can of black spray paint...

quite often

the writing on the wall is all you need

~go over us and we will get up again~

kind of powerful

don't you think

?

a month ago, already....

a month ago today I was standing on the top of pike's peak

and

visiting the olympic training center

~~

so

what happened

where did it go

?

you'd think I would have noticed

something passing in front of me as quickly as these past four weeks have

~~

I think it's time for me to start appreciating the days better than I do

which can only mean one think

~less blinking of course~

*

someday....

when I have a house near the beach

with a kitchen large enough to hold a ten foot chalkboard

where a chalky note

reads

"the chef has taken an indefinite leave of absence"

you'll find

me riding me around on this

and

the precious cargo will be towels, sunscreen and a good book

~~

want to join me

?

~~~~~

I was instantly in love with it when I saw it

on the blog

that has given me more inspiration over the past year than any other

~~

it's the story of nie

{as in stephanie}

and

her family

and

how she is surviving

after almost dying

~in a horrific plane crash with her husband~

~~

the surgeries, the skin grafts, the pain

the pain

of not being able to hold her children who didn't recognize her for a long time

the pain

of moving her body

the pain

of not wanting to look at herself in the mirror

the pain

from just breathing somedays

and

then there's the love

~~

a love

like nothing you've ever seen before

~~

so when I have a tough day

it's easy to go here and remind myself that things aren't so bad after all

*

sometimes it's too loud to sleep...

I think it's time to start listening

a

bit

closer

*

my weekend ?

yep

pretty much like this most of the time

john had to leave today

and

I didn't want to be sad

as that would just be stupid on my part since this is hard enough for both of us

so

while we were eating breakfast

I grabbed my little point and shoot

and

started playing

which made us both laugh

and

for a minute we forgot that in the next hour

he'd be leaving

xo

breast cancer awareness...

I'm a fan of

"so you think you can dance"

and

last night it brought it me to tears

along

with the judges and the rest of the viewers

after watching

this performance

by

melissa and ade

{two of my favorites}

which was

chorographed by tyce

all

for breast cancer awareness

~~

it represents

the struggle and the fight and the emotions and the pain

a woman goes through

~along with her partner~

while trying to win the war against this ugly disease

~~

I hope that even if you're not a fan of the show

you'll watch this clip

and

love it as much as I did

*

I needed more storage and it was too wet to go outside and play...

this is a cabinet in my office that houses my

can't.live.without.it.televison

on the top shelf

and

doors on the bottom

that hide all my camera and ipod things like cords and chargers

and

all that other stuff that you can't breathe without

but

has to be stored away because seeing those things out all the time takes years off your life

and

then there are

the dreaded middle shelves that do nothing but ask to be dusted

and

today I told them I'd had it

so I rummaged through my fabric scraps to see if I had anything

large enough to play with that was somewhat pleasing to the eye

because

it was pouring outside and I was too lazy to go to joann's to look for fabric that

would be perfect

~~

maybe you should know that I used to sew all the time

window treatments were my speciality

~just thought I'd throw that in~

~~

so I whipped out my tools

and

cut and ironed away for an hour

~yes...only an hour of my time~

and

now here's a trick I'll share with you because I'm nice that way

~~

I have a great sewing machine that has had years and years of love

but

when I make something simple like this

I use the iron on adhesive strips to make all my hems and the rod pocket

~~

tell me you already know about this amazing stuff and if you don't run now and get yourself some to play with

anyhow

I had one piece of fabric just barely big enough for a rod pocket and hemming

but

its simple amish little house on the prairie look works

for now

and

gives me storage and less dusting

~

really

that's all a girl needs sometimes to make her really happy

*

I've been playing...

my studio doesn't really recognize me during the summer months

as I tend to occupy that space much more during the dreaded cold winters

here in wisconsin

but

just recently

it's been calling my name as I walk by

a soft whisper

"beth...beth...come play inside"

and

so I did

and

I made a huge mess and loved every minute of it

and

I now I have few "works in progress"

and

as I turned the lights off the other night as I was walking out

I swear I heard

"thank you"

*

not so hard...

I know I know

I need a little nudge and a poke to make this blog into something

~

something new and different and just more me

but

I'm still at a loss for what that's going to be

~

I need to get my sidebar filled with blog loves

and

add

some pretty flowers and glasses of fresh squeezed lemonade

so that when you do visit

you'll feel right at home

and

never want to leave

~

hey maybe that's it

maybe this blog needs to be a bed and breakfast of sorts

~ala beth~

but

since I don't cook or bake

or eat anything for breakfast except breakfast bars

I'm going to have work on just making sure this space feels as comfortable

as

a bed and breakfast

with down pillows and comforters and slippers for your feet

chocolates on your pillow

and

an amazing view of the park like grounds when you look out your window

~

and

the best part

I'll even make sure you all have your own bathrooms

*

not my normal...

I don't really ever take photos of the food I eat

but

now that I'm addicted to a salad my sister made for dinner one night

I thought it only fair that I share it with all of you

~~

spinach salad

~~~~

spinach

and

anything else you want to throw in with it

in this case

slivered toasted almonds

craisins

feta cheese

~

dressing

~~~~

6 tbls aged balsamic vinegar

3 tbls honey

2 tbls olive oil

stirred well together

~

mix in the amount of dressing you need based on how much spinach you use

{it's all up to you}

and

refrigerate the rest for later

~~~~~

I'm totally addicted to this salad and have been eating it almost daily now for two weeks which is something I do

as

I'm an "in a food rut" person

~

once I find something I love

I eat it non-stop and really never get tired of it

~~

oh

and

just for fun

the other night

{and a little protein}

I added grilled chicken breast to the above ingredients

whoa

it was amazing

*

I'm back...

I guess I could have smiled

but I'm still on my

"stay out of the sun"

campaign

which requires me to have a very serious face

while I point my finger at you

~~

today was my

"let's get all those margins clean"

appointment

in which a huge hole was made and all my ugly and bad skin cells were burned away

and

it wasn't fun

~~

my scar will be about 16 inches long

I think

at least that's what it looked like to me when the nurse handed me the mirror

but after laying on my back

smelling my skin being burned and the clicking of the instruments and the pulling and the cutting of the stitches

I could have been mildly delirious and maybe it will only be the inch and a half that it really is

who knows

?

~~

what I do know is that it's just a scar

and

sure it could be ugly

when the dressing comes off and the stitches come out

but while I was waiting for my skin to be numbed I was reading an article about a man and his bladder cancer and then when my procedure was over, I ran to the grocery store and saw a woman my age with a very wide purple scar all the way down the inside of her leg that I guessed to be from a varicose vein removal maybe used to fix her heart

and

then when I came home I talked to my hubby about the meeting that he had to have this morning with the widow of an olympic coach who fell to his death in a horrific climbing accident a few days ago

~~

it's just a scar

don't get your undies in a bundle...

as I was looking for panties while shopping in marshalls yesterday

all I could think about was holly and her suggestion that maybe this blog be used for things more intimate

about my life

~~

I don't think she meant panties

"butt"

as long as we're here

~

I'm not a fancy panties person

I just buy what feels nice and fits

~

my bras never match my panties

ever

as I'm just not that kind of girl

and

rarely do I even wear a bra

since I live in the tanks from j.jill

with the built in bra for overall comfort and a layer of warmth

on this body of mine which is usually always cold

~

now let's go a little "deeper"

and

talk about thongs

which I do wear when I need them

especially when I'm all dressed up and looking

sexy

and

when panty lines would be very distracting to how great my eyeshadow looks

but

I could never wear them everyday and I rarely wear them with jeans

and

am I "picky" with my thongs

?

YES

I only wear the gilligan & omalley cotton thongs from target

{and no I'm not getting paid for this}

since they always stay right where they started

~

boy shorts don't agree with me at all as they always ride up

and

end up feeling like a bulky sweatshirt found its way to my "butt"

~

anything with ruffles stays on the rack

but

a little lace every now and then is nice

~

personally

I just like to keep my butt covered up most of the time

and

with the high cut leg opening panties you can get that in the back

and

still have a little sexiness up front

which brings me to our men who don't have to deal with any of this

since

they can strut around in their boxers looking all manly like

or

slip on a pair of briefs where their package stays all wrapped up

like a newborn baby

and

never

ever

do they

have to think about anything matching anything else or ruffles or bunching or riding up or scratchy lace or panty lines

instead

all they really have to worry about is how quickly they can take off the panties

we just spent hours shopping for

*

it's a gem alright...

I'm playing along with georgia today

after she wrote about

little hidden gems

yesterday

the sights and sounds out at our weekend cottage

are the little gems

in my life

that always take my breath away

and

fill my heart with color

*

and

did you read about my two dollar project

?

on a ledge...

I'm not going anywhere

but

sometimes I dream about all the places I haven't been

and

when I see or hear anything about children and orphanages in haiti or africa or malawi

there's a feeling I get inside

which most people would consider

"a calling"

and

I hear it screaming my name

and

it gets louder and louder

until

I gently push it aside

reminding myself that I'm not quite ready for that yet

~~

but

someday I will be

and

when that day comes

these wings of mine will be ready to fly

*

sometimes...

all you can do

is tie a rope so perfectly tight

that it grabs ahold of what's most important

and

promises to keep it safe

until you tell it otherwise

~~

not for everyone...

today

is the memorial service

and

the celebration of life

for michael jackson

~~

not everyone loved him

I'm not even sure I did

but

I do know he made me smile when I heard his songs

and

he made me want to try the moonwalk even if I looked foolish

and

when I hear his music today

I seem to know most of the words even though I never

owned any of his albums

~~

so even though he wasn't for everyone

he was a human being

and

today he will be remembered

*

I know, I know...more sheep and wire fencing

because

sometimes

you

can never get enough of something that brings you warmth

*

what are you today ?

"there is only you and your camera"

~

"the limitations in your photography

are in yourself

for what we see

is what we are"

~~

~ haas~

~~~~~

so

I guess today I'm an old garage door

with wild ivy snaking around my neck

which is perfectly alright with me

because

I always get told my eyes are beautiful when I wear green

*

a year ago today...{EDITED...my links below now work}

I'm not sure I remember how I was feeling

or

who I was

or

what I was doing

~~

but

I do remember writing

this

as

words poured out of me so quickly

that I struggled to keep them contained in the same room with me

~~

I hadn't really been writing anything that I felt proud of

and

I wasn't even taking any of my own photos

instead

choosing to find some favorites on

flickr

~~

so today

as

an anniversary special

I want to share this with everyone

one more time

and

to remind all of my blog loves

that even if you think today isn't worth remembering

write about it

photograph it

and

post it

because

next year at this time

it just might be priceless to you

*

remember...

the doors

we open and close each day

decide the lives we live

~flora whittemore~

~~~~~

or

in this case

a gate

that's pretty much non-functioning

but looked amazing when I saw it along side the road

which

then somehow

helped this quote

make sense

*

a blank slate can be kind of scary...

but

a new set of pencils or markers or paints

can

be thrilling

to the point that it awakens all your senses

and

makes you want to run naked

in a field of wild flowers

~

no

?

okay

maybe that's just me

~~~~~

welcome to my new blog

and

NO

I'm not replacing more doors

just adding to it

for no reason other than I had a dream the other night

and

"my unmade life"

came crashing down on me as I rolled around in my "unmade bed"

which is where the "untucked corners" came from

and

when things like that happen

it's for a reason and I've always believed in that whole kind of thing

like karma

only better

and

that if you resist things that present themselves to you openly like that

you'll be struck down by lightning during the next rain storm

and

that would just be an awful way to go

wouldn't it

?

{and hopefully the "post options" will work here on this blog and make my life easier}

~~~~~

so I hope you enjoy your time here

at

my unmade life

where there will surely be some

jumping on the bed

if those corners ever stay tucked in place for very long

~~~~~

~~~~~

lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme

experience

if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the

ceiling

~g.k. chesterton~